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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

My new job

I have it figured!

You might recall that in the very early Christian churches on this continent that there were people who walked around with sticks during the services. The job of those people was to whomp parishioners who were drifting off to sleep or who were otherwise not paying attention.

I'm gonna become the designated whomper.

With that said, here's my current list of whompees.

1. The supervisors who make gate agents lie about flight delays in 15 minute increments. Or any other increment. They're going to get a good one.

2. Moms who bring lap babies on planes without compelling reason...or Benadryl. Double whomps when I am on said plane.

3. The idiot in 9D who answered his phone and chatted up his wife as we taxied to the runway. He will be an unrecognizable mass of quivering protoplasm when I'm finished.

4. The mechanic who did not repair the overhead light on seat 10B. I have a book I could knock out in the next two hours, and that'd make me a lot less grumpy.

5. Pilots who announce to passengers that such flight delays are uncommon. Dude! It's something on at least one out of every four flights for me, and yes, I do count them.

6. People on planes who unbuckle their seatbelts before the light goes out. Double whomps if you stand up. What makes you so special anyway? When you finally fall, please do not do so in my direction. I will only help you fall faster.

7. People on planes who get up and go to the bathroom during the final descent. You people just need to be flushed with all the rest of the crap.

8. People who tell me they have a quick question, as if they were qualified to make that assessment, and then proceed to ask me something worthy of a dissertation. Double whomps if you show annoyance with the length of my answer.

9. People who ask me how many people I need to make a statistical decision. It's statistics, people, not Physics. Double whomps if you become annoyed when I ask about the information necessary to perform the power analysis so I can tell you how many I need. Triple whomps if I give you a number, and you argue that it needs to be smaller.

10. People who ask a question, and then become annoyed when I answer it in a manner that they did not want to hear. Double whomps when you suggest that your alternative answer is better.

11. People who use the words "reliability" and "validity" without qualification as though either word means a wit without further specification.

12. People who want an empirical answer but who cannot deal with gathering the supporting data. Double whomps if what you're after is the passing score on a test.

13. People who put animation and other effects in PowerPoint presentations instead of including a little information. Double whomps if I can summarize your presentation in a compound sentence or less. Triple whomps if you present something as novel, and I know for a fact it was discovered a few decades ago.

14. People on planes who feel it necessary to hit my shoulder when walking down the aisle. Double whomps if you hit me with luggage. Triple whomps if you grind your fat bohuncus on me while stowing your grip.

15. People on planes who cannot find an enumerated seat and sit the freak down. Double whomps if you're in first class.

16. People, especially on planes, who are total strangers and expect to chit chat without invitation.

17. The idiot who selected the postage stamp of a battery for the iPhone, and then decided that extended life batteries would not be available.

18. The abject twarfs who post helpful tips about extending the life of the iPhone batter when each and every tip involves not using the iPhone.

19. People who amble down a concourse. Double whomps if you stop in front of me. Triple whomps if I stumble over you and your grip.

20. People who seek perfection. Double whomps if you expect me to stop actually doing stuff to tag along with you as you flick fly specks from the stable walls.

I'm sure this list will grow rapidly.

-- Posted from a mobile device

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