About me

Monday, March 30, 2009

Newt eats fish on Friday

Newt eats fish on Friday
Copyright 2009, Jim Penny
Word count: 425

I was having a perfectly calm morning. Coffee done. Breakfast done. Bath done. Dressing for work done. I check the computer one last time for any late breaking news, and there before my unsuspecting eyes, it is. Newt Gingrich is now a Catholic, and all his sins have been forgiven. As you might expect, I needed to sit down, and here, now twelve hours later, I can express my satisfaction with this turn of events. The world can only be better with one more closet-catholic finding the courage to come out.

Imagine, if you will, the strength Newt will find as he no longer has to hide his need to eat fish on Friday behind tales of high cholesterol. He can just eat the fish. Mind you, we're not talking about shellfish, and we're certainly not talking about catfish, as both are unclean. We're talking about fish with scales, fried, broiled, or stewed, all served with impunity at Friday's business lunch.

Imagine, if you can, the strength he'll find when he's able to worship Mother without using code and double speak. Of course, we should not confuse anything here with the uncountable Hail Marys that were surely necessary to deliver him from the sins he accumulated while he was in the closet. By the way, we should all study this one closely. The Baptists would have us believe that they have that sin-thing in control, and obviously we are being feed the party line here.

Imagine, if you might, the strength he'll find in the presence of a strong father, one who will speak with Divine Authority and do so without hesitation. No longer will there be any doubt as to who wears the pants in the house,, assuming there are pants under the robes, and Newt will benefit from knowing the paternal strength and loving goodness of Pope Bene (and the Jets). Moreover, the infallible-thing Papa Ratzi has going can only make it that much better for Newt. Oh the glory of doubtless faith!

The rebirth of Newt surely borders on unfettered transubstantiation. What else could it be? We have this unrepentant cracker, adopted son of Georgia, friend and teacher of exiled debtors, now able to follow his true religion, no longer pretending to be what he is not. I see big things from Newt in our future, now that the energy he used to hold tight the closet doors is unleashed in unfettered glory to find a rightful destiny.


The Crow said...

My ex-beloved found his long-ignored Catholic roots about the same time I found his child porno and a couple other extreme fetish-related materials.

His sins are now forgiven.

Mine are just beginning.


Reading your posts bring to mind sitting around on the porch steps, listening to my aunts and uncles telling tales on each other and their friends.

I like how your mind works, Jim, and how it speaks through your words.

Enjoyed reading your posts today.

Jim Penny said...

"Reading your posts bring to mind sitting around on the porch steps, listening to my aunts and uncles telling tales on each other and their friends."

Fascinating. That's exactly how I conceptualize the process. Many thanks!